Sexual Conflicts in Marriage

Men and women are different. This is not news. However, if you dated your partner for a short time before you got married, there are some things about the other person that will be news. You may be surprised to find that he or she is not a morning person and cannot carry on a conversation before having their morning cup of coffee. You may discover that your partner was raised in a barn, or at least has the housecleaning habits of someone who was. And you may soon learn that the person who was a certain way sexually, is now someone completely different. The honeymoon is over, as they say.

Sexual conflicts in marriage are most often centered on the false idea that each person has the same sex drive. This is rarely the case. Sure, there are those couples who seem to each have the same amount of desire and are perfectly in agreement on how often they should have sex and in what ways. However, in reality, most couples have very different needs and expectations when it comes to sex.

The myth of the sexually active honeymoon couple and the sexually inactive old married couple strikes fear into many a man. This myth may be based in some truth, as it is simply human nature for passion to cool for one another over time. But if you want to ensure that the fire of passion continues to burn well into marriage, you will need to actually talk about it with your partner.

Talking about sex can be one of the most uncomfortable subjects for many people, so be understanding and non-judgmental about what your partner wants and expects. Many times, the man’s sex drive is higher than the woman’s. This does not necessarily have to lead to conflict. Talk about what you both want. Think of some pertinent areas of discussion, such as how often you want to make love, what variations on traditional love making you want to try, and what you want to do in circumstances where one partner is too tired, sick, or otherwise impaired.

The answers to these questions may seem obvious to you, but you would be surprised at how many couples answer these questions differently. Have a frank and open discussion about these things and more. The first time you sit down to talk, you might simply make time to air your different opinions and needs. Speak freely and without any intention of solving any potential problems yet.

The next time you sit down to talk, have some ideas about how you can compromise. If for example, you want to make love more times per week than your partner, are you willing to lower your number by one or two times to get somewhere in the middle? Write down your ideas and then present them to your partner.

Take some time to think about the compromises that are discussed in this second meeting and then come back and meet a third time on the topic of sex to finalize your ideal together. You should be able to come up with an agreeable set of terms for both of you. If not, you may want to bring in a third party, such as a counsellor, to help you iron out the differences.



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