If you suspect that your spouse is having an extramarital relationship, you may want to be confrontational. This is appropriate for some relationships, but more often than not a cheater will lie about his/her affair, so the confrontation solves nothing … and reveals nothing.

Before you decide you’re “paranoid” and before you call your lawyer, you may want to take some action to find out if what you think is true. Hiring a private investigator is an effective strategy, and one that can keep you safely “insulated” from details that may upset you. Investigators are also skilled at compiling the “evidence” that may prove valuable if divorce proceedings follow.

If you can’t hire an investigator, you can do a little detective work yourself. The biggest challenge you’ll face is treating the suspected cheater exactly the same way that you did before your suspicions were aroused. A spouse who doesn’t know they’re being watched is more likely to make a mistake. Therefore it’s better if you do not accuse your spouse of having an affair until you’re certain of his/her infidelity and are ready to take action.

Home Invasion
If you believe that your spouse is using your home as a “base” of his/her extramarital activities, pretend that you’re going away for the weekend, but stay with a friend or at a hotel. Then monitor your home to see who comes and goes.

Be Unpredictable
Tell you spouse that you’re going out for the afternoon, but come back home in an hour. Say you’re working late, but show up right on time. See how your spouse reacts. Show up unannounced at lunchtime to take your spouse out. Bring flowers in the middle of the day. Stop by the office at “quitting time” and ask your spouse out for a drink. A cheater will probably be flustered by the unexpected visits, especially if he/she is having an affair with a colleague or co-worker.

Patterns of Deception
Most cheaters have patterns in their relationships. See if there is a consistency to the nights that your spouse is “working late” or “traveling for business,” especially if these patterns are new. Your spouse may say different things to you at different times, and it’s easy to get confused. To help yourself keep track of any discrepancies, keep a journal of what your spouse tells your regarding his/her whereabouts, activities, purchases, etc.

Mileage Check Keep a record of your car’s mileage and see if there are any days with unaccountable differences in how far your spouse has traveled.

Bed Check
If your spouse is on the road and you speak “regularly” each night, try calling his/her room AFTER that nightly call. It’s a good way to determine who’s tucked in and who’s out on the town.

Phone-a-Friend
If you come across an unfamiliar phone number in your spouse’s records, try calling that number from a pay phone (so that your call cannot be traced). You don’t need to identify yourself, just see who answers.